| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2007|04:54 am] |
good god man, you're a fucking wreck.
You're lucking out left and right to simply get by.
Fuck it all I say, if the world is chaotic. Then I can be chaos personified. I'm so damn ready to express the literal mess that's been hiding in my head for years. No idea how I'll do it, don't know where either, not sure why I'd want to. I have no great triumph I'm aiming for. Every single day is miracle enough. We're so ready for the experience of being alive. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2007|08:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  silly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I am the World Trade Center - Different Stories | ] |
"...subliminal material can consist of all urges, impulses, and intentions: all perceptions and intuitions; all rational or irrational thoughts, conclusions, inductions, deductions, and premises; and all varieties of feeling. Any of all of these can take the form of partial, temporary, constant unconsciousness.
Such material has mostly become unconscious because - in a manner of speaking - there is no room for it in the conscious mind. Some of one's thoughts lose their emotional energy and become subliminal (that is to say, they no longer receive so much of our conscious attention) because they have come to seem uninteresting or irrelevant, or because there is some reason why we wish to push them out of sight
It is, in fact, normal and necessary for us to "forget" in this fasion, in order to make room in our conscious minds for new impressions and ideas. If this did not happen, everything we experienced would remain above the threshold of consciousness and our minds would become impossibly cluttered. This phenomenon is so widely recognized today that most people who know anything about psychology take it for granted." ~ C. G. Jung
There's some deliberate spelling and/or grammar mistake(s) in the quote. Get to wonder how much of what you think about and act on are sometimes done unaware of intention. You're driven neither by biological instinct or subconscious impulses (though they'd be the same thing). You come back to the moment on which you acted and wonder "Why'd I do that? What was I thinking?" There's no sense of intoxication or desire or fear or social avarice in the action... at best, it's merely just a general rhythm of life impulses. You learn to look on your own daily habits in this sense, as a series of impulses, events that pushed you out of your perceived character. Ultimately, maybe early or later on in your experience, you take a very pedagogical approach to this, you perceive individualism, culture, the universe, etc. The history of civilization can be seen as a fusion and dissociation of this experience. The transcendent theme or motif in history can be linked to symbolic representations of life and its relationship to... humanity, I suppose. We're doing a lot of this unaware. Very, very unaware. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 15th, 2006|04:34 pm] |
I'm finally breaking down. I am going to quit my job. I'm applying for a job overseas. One of the first places I might end up would be India.
I haven't slept in days. I've drank everynight. I drew a bath to ease my tension. I fell asleep in the bathtub, only to be awoken by the water rising up to my nose. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|05:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | electrelane - eight steps | ] |
I've had acid reflux for months now. It's annoying and sometimes painful. I can't enjoy spicy food or anything with caffeine in it. I throw up most carbonated drinks. I need a new stomach, this one is broken. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|11:09 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Isoleé - Do Re Mi | ] |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2005|09:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Boards of Canada - One Very Important Thought | ] |
someone said things would go better for me. Well, they have lied.
My ceiling, it's had this brown spot in the corner of the living room since I moved in, I didn't think anything of it. Well, it was water damage apparently. It'd been leaking for nearly two years now. During all that time, it slowly spread throughout the ceiling. In any event, it eventually starts leaking thru. My entire living room is soaked as a result. I found this out on my way to work.
Now I'm constantly arguing with the management company. They feel it's only necessary to patch up the holes in the ceiling, paint it over, and shampoo the carpet. I notified the health department, who will notify the owner of the building. This has been ongoing for two weeks now. My living room smells damp and is making me ill. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|10:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hermeto Pascoal - Santo Antônio | ] |
(Oh shit man, where've you been? You need to ease up on the juice. You're pushing yourself a little too hard. Take it easy, you don't need to prove anything.)
I've been fairly absent minded lately. About the state of affairs, the world and its politics, et cetera.
I'm diagnosing myself a manic depressant. I have some months and weeks where I am extroverted and energetic. Then it resides and I keep to myself. I'm seeing this ebb and flow of emotional wealth. My options were quick, almost distant. Every reaction seems to be coming out of me without an actual thought. I feel like a lizard sometimes, and someone is trying to grab my tail. I can only bite in defense. The holidays are passing me by, I haven't done a damn thing for myself. On Halloween, someone at the party had to paint my face, so I could mingle. Thanksgiving was better, I was fed by someone else's family. Rather alienated from my own personal life, I've been drinking Absinthe I had imported from the Czech Republic for nearly ten days. It's taking its toll on me.
Merry Christmas, and anything else that I might have missed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2005|11:28 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Ladytron - Cska Sofia | ] |
Long night, little sleep. I ran into a couple of old friends, only to realize I wasn't all that close to them. Though I found out that i work with one of my buddy's stepfathers (I would not have made the connection otherwise). A good friend of mines older sister was a pretty big porn star, we even looked her up at http://www.hollylanders.com/ Funny thing is, she actually was a college student with two daughters while being a porn star all at the same time. I remember being invited to read the bible with the family! Just trips me out to find out all this. But apparently, she was killed off in the porn industry, a story was created and she managed to get away from that kind of lifestyle. Trip out... |
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| Doing the human thang |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|05:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amazed, and amazed, and amazed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Michael Franti & Spearhead - love'll set me free | ] |
I had a bad day at work today. People got pissed. I lost a few things. But this has been ongoing for a while now. I keep getting into fights with my supervisor at work. Clients come into my office ready to lie. I go to the used book store and get a few. When I'm back at my desk, I realize I've been overcharged by about $12.
The day ends and traffic is heavier than usual. I'm trying to make a left hand turn from Los Alamitos onto 4th. When some guy in a wheelchair is stuck halfway and starts making his way back, because he realizes this is blocking traffic. But he's having more difficulty getting back to where he was than where he was trying to get to. Most other cars drove around him. But I stop with him right in front of my car. I hit the emergency lights, get out of the car, and come up to this guy. Right then I realized he was a client that comes into the office. Not my client, but I kinda know what he's about already. He was a gang member, did drugs, was shot and paralyzed, can't find work, now he's homeless and slightly crazy.
So without asking, I grab his wheelchair, gently rush him to the sidewalk, and lock his wheels.
"wait here." I whispered as cars blared their horns at me. I run back to my car and park.
"hey man, what the fuck? are you going to leave me here?"
"where are you trying to get to?"
He starts reaching into his pocket and pulls out a small unbinded stack of papers. Many pages look dirty with worn edges from having been used often. He gives me an address from one of the papers.
"there, that's my sister"
"hm.. on anaheim? dang... that's like a mile away. Don't you have money for the bus?"
"well no, are you gunna give me some?"
I hesitate and look at him. His skin is burnt from the sun, looks like its cracking. His face is swollen and plump. His hair is greasy. and he kinda smells. his fingernails have dirt under them. his ears looked like they haven't been cleaned, his pants dirty from where he rubs his hands, his shirt is stained from eating.
"you're just going to use the money to get fucked up"
"so? you wanna judge me?"
"hey man, fuck off all right?"
having said that, I get behind his wheelchair and unlock his wheels. and I start pushing him
"hey, what the fuck? where are you taking me?"
"to your sisters"
"hey fuck you man, who do you think you are?"
Now this guy is bitching the whole way, complaining, often times telling me that the courts are trying to fuck him over. His social worker too. He's got nothing and can give nothing. After about an hour and a half, we find this apartment complex.
"this it?!"
"I think so.."
"you think so?"
"I ain't never talked to my sister in a while"
"where is she?"
"on the second floor"
"okay...." I look up the stairs and they are narrow and concrete. For some reason, I didn't hesitate and pulled the guy out of the chair and sat him on the stairs. Folded his chair and put it at the top of the stairs. and carried this lazy smelly bum up a flight of stairs. He starts looking into his pockets and pulls out some change.. maybe three dollars worth.
"shit man, you coulda taken the bus you know"
"here man, you deserve this, nobody has ever done this for me"
"when the fuck did I ever ask for money?"
"you don't want it?"
I pause for three seconds, a lot of things went through my head, about my bad day, about those books, a girlfriend that keeps calling me up, the fact that my mother is complaining about having lost her job (2 years ago), how crappy and small my car is, how crappy and small this apartment looks, how this scummy dirtbag gets around, how he had money to get there and never did, how the whole thing was a waste of time, that some people just aren't worth my time, this guy was about as useful as an old retiree, then i thought about my grandpa.
"hey... okay.. all right.... um... how about you just love the people who try to look out for ya?"
he pauses completely stunned. He looks at the ground and starts crying.
I walked away right then. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|08:00 pm] |
I was at the library today. Flipping through some books. Someone placed a CD in the sleeve of a book, and it said "This CD contains my complete religious writings. The files should be viewed with a browser. Read the 0readme.txt file first" Right about then i remembered i had a journal, and that i should write about my discovery. it's mostly some christian fundamentalist stuff, kinda scary and foolish at the same time. i'll give it to anyone for the asking. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2005|08:38 pm] |
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it's been a little bit since my last update. which is odd, because now I have all the time in the world to post in my journal, yet I don't. No reason.. just haven't had much to say. Still don't. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|01:22 pm] |
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Simon and the secret society of frogs who hide in the shade of the roman structures have been on the attack now. Sushi and Sashimi are losing friends suddenly. Where there used to be twelve fish, there is six. Though I've only recovered four of the dead fish, the other two have disappeared altogether. Simon is sneaky. Also, he likes floating at the top of the tank. He prefers the fish flakes instead of the bloodworms. Frogs are funny. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|01:44 pm] |
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I'm getting a new laptop later tonight. It'll be neat and shiny. Sony Vaio P4 3.2GHz, 100GB HD, 512MB RAM, DVD burner. I need a digital camera now... I better hurry to the South Coast Plaza in Costa Mesa. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|11:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 764 Hero | ] |
I got a few fish. 6 male guppies, 6 female guppies, 6 african frogs. (the girl who sold me all of them notice 6-6-6) I need to name them all. I've already named two of the male guppies. The sickly looking one who appeared to be dying is named "Conrad". and the largest and semi-aggressive one is named "Leonard" Please help name my fish. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|11:15 am] |
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I got a fish tank the other day. 30 gallon. I'm going to try and raise fresh water fish, I heard they're easier to take care of. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|01:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | unreal | ] |
| [ | music |
| | www.joefrank.com | ] |
the days pass and I'm lookin' for my center. That little center of my being that never moves but is constantly moved. That bit of me that knows how to learn. I've been trying to follow my bliss. But they're turning into simple desires. Everyday passes and I'm losing control and consistency. I feel I'm finally holding onto something real. just wish I wasn't alone this one time.
And in everything I see a ritual, history, and evolution of someone or place. In the buildings around me, in the garden, in the shops, in the eateries, in my own room. I am but a mere fraction of a large distortion of all that is true/truth. With that, I am the essence thereof, as are all living things around me. I am unconditioned and unmanifested.
alive, alive, I am alive.
let me fuck up, let me forgive, let me hate, let me fear, let me know when I missed all this, let me know where I stand or stood,
let me fill in every varible known, let me experience the world, let me be
just don't let me forget why |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|11:22 am] |
My friend's case got dismissed. We were hanging out one night in front of someone's house, when the police rolled up. He got busted for possession of marijuana. But with my help and guidance, his case got dismissed.
It's fucking cool having connections like that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|03:54 pm] |
I'm going beyond everything that I know and believe. I'm traveling into that dark misty forest of dreams. I'm echoing into the abyss. I'm coming to destroy myself, to destroy my perceptions. I'm coming to destroy all perceptions. I will be that mythic hero reborn. I will represent that outer world unto myself. I will exercise that inner voice. I will not serve the world. The world will serve me. I will not be saved by a great society. I'm here to redefine it. I am everything! All are my brothers and sisters. Into the chaotic will is the Great Will. Out of chaos comes salvation.
Everything has been a mask up until tomorrow and yesterday. Today was merely illusion. I'm dreaming while awake now. Reality has only existed in me. Representation through interpretation (and so on). Every thought and emotion has grown to the power of ten. Magnified, exacerbated. I found the circumference of the universe. The ratios of the infinite. The very concept of life has been blown beyond measure to show itself to/through me as a little dot that is out of the corner of my eye.
I'm awake forever. |
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| Last Night a Robot Saved my Life |
[Apr. 1st, 2005|11:10 am] |
My mother told me, when I was a child and she had just separated from my father. We were living in a bachelor-sized apartment. I was playing with my toy robot before going to sleep. I had taken out one of the batteries and threw it away. That night, my mother put me to sleep. She said something was wrong. Because that toy robot kept saying "I am the destroyer" over and over again in the dark. She got up and turned the toy off, she then got the urge to check on me. Apparently I was choking on my vomit right then, I was drowning, I was merely two feet away from her bed. She didn't hear me cry or anything of the sort. If it wasn't for that toy, I might've died. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2005|11:25 am] |
After sometime of fasting and lack of sleep. My body sorta started actin' funky on me.
I'm god now. I transcended all. Became one with the universe.
More importantly, I wanted to come back to a perception long since destroyed. But a question popped into my head
"Do I return to the old world to redefine it, or do I conquer a new and unexplored world?" Discussions ensued. I was able to answer any social quarry. All seemed insubstantial.
We are all gods in mind. Once having passed that idea, the gods in mind become demons.
I tapped into that upper atmosphere of conscienceness. I can't feel anything beyond curiousity and awe. |
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rawyouth's journal
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